Unplugged Ceremonies

Here's some wedding advice - two cents from your friendly neighborhood wedding officiants:

Ban cell phone cameras from your wedding ceremony! We refer to this as an "unplugged" ceremony.

There's a couple of different reasons for this. One is that you want your family and friends to share the moment with you at that moment. Concentrating on getting a  good picture, or taking a video, distracts the amateur photographer from what is actually going on in favor of collecting an image for later.

Guests taking pictures can also be distracting to the guests who aren't taking pictures, not to mention the bride and groom and officiant. I've performed a few ceremonies where there were so many flashes that I found it difficult to read. There have even been a few weddings where guests got out of their seats and positioned themselves right in front of the bride and groom. During several recent weddings those holding up their phones taking photos were blocking the view of the guests behind them.

Then there's the professional photographer. They have been contracted to provide the couple with pictures for the wedding. They know where to stand in order to get the best photos, and know how to keep out of everyone's way while doing it. People standing in the aisles will interfere with some shots. A professional photographer recently told me that some of the pictures that he takes are of the guests, it's hard to capture the proud smile of a family member or friend if they're frowning with concentration over a tablet that's blocking their face. Photographers also take great care to note the light level in the room and adjust their equipment accordingly. Forty flashes going off from all corners of the room will not be helpful!

Even picture-takers who think that they're being unobtrusive aren't as invisible s they think they are. One of the prime shots that a professional needs to get is the processional, especially the bride's entrance. Do you really want that beautiful shots framed by all your relatives' cell phones leaning into the aisle?

 
If you do decide to ban cameras, have your officiant make an announcement in addition to an easy-to-see sign at the entrance to the venue.

Keep cameras in the hands of the professionals!

Outdoor Weddings

Most people who plan outdoor weddings understand that they need a backup location if it rains (or snows!), but most don't consider the other challenges of an outdoor venue. Extreme temperatures can happen when you least expect it. That September day that you just knew would be cool and pleasant? Winter can come early. And summer weddings can bring heat indexes topping 100 degrees. How about where the sun will be in the sky at "I Do" time? A couple whom I married a few years ago scouted out their spot a full year before their wedding to determine whether the sun would be in anyone's eyes and if the guests would be in sun or shade — now that's planning.

It's also a good idea to find out if your location is home to mosquitoes — or bees! Scope out he path that your bridal party will be travelling for the processional, is it flat ground, gravel, pavement or soft grass? The surface will make a difference whether the ladies want to wear heels or not! What about noise? A popular wedding spot here in Lincoln is in a public park at one of the busiest intersections in Lincoln, so not only do you have the traffic sounds, but that of happy families enjoying a day at the park. Add to that — the preferred spot in the park is in front of a waterfall, which usually drowns out the officiant as well as the couple's vows.  There is also a venue where a train occasionally goes by during a wedding; out of sight, but unfortunately not out of earshot. Find out if your officiant has a microphone; if not, renting one would be worth it.

Finally, will your guests be able to find it? Sure, Google maps can get you anywhere, but what if there's no cell service in the area? I've conducted my share of late-starting weddings because someone important to the bride and groom was lost somewhere on the back roads of Nebraska.

Outdoor weddings can be beautiful, but they require an extra layer of planning.

No matter how much planning you do, you can't predict the weather too far ahead. That's why you need a backup location in case of rain. (I've never been snowed out, but have done a wedding or two where it was close to freezing outside). Not only do you need a backup location, but you will have to coordinate with the venue to set a time when you will make the decision to stay outside or move inside. Venue staff will likely have to reset the room if it was set up for a dinner, and the deejay will also need to move all their equipment. Waiting until the last minute puts undue stress on the staff. If the backup location is in a different place than the primary location, your guests will need to be informed in a timely manner. 

Delaying the start of the ceremony in the hope that the rain will stop is a big gamble. For one thing, storm cells aren't always predictable. The forecast might show that the downpour is ending in 15 or 20 minutes, but the storm front might make an unexpected turn and keep on pouring. Changing the start time isn't consequence-free for other reasons. A bride and groom might reason that since the celebration will be going on for many hours anyway, what's a half hour? But so many things are time-dependent. The food is scheduled to arrive a certain time — if delayed, the entrees might be cold or dried out. The reception venue is only booked for so much time. What are your guests doing while you're fervently praying that the rain stops? (And where are they doing it?) Some vendors, for instance, a party bus, might be booked for only a limited time. Your officiant probably isn't expecting to be there longer than the length of the ceremony. (Our contract specifies that there be a backup rain location and that the ceremony start on time)

Backup indoor locations: an important part of any outdoor wedding!

Professional Officiant vs. Your Facebook Friend "Who Got Ordained"

There's a variety of opinions regarding having a friend officiate at your wedding. As a professional wedding officiant, of course I want to maximize my own business, so my opinion that it's generally not a good idea is a bit self-serving, but nonetheless, it's generally a bad idea!

Each state, and sometimes cities or counties within a state, has their own rules and requirements for who can solemnize a marriage, i.e. officiate at a wedding ceremony. Most jurisdictions, however, delegate only to judges and ordained clergy the privilege of being wedding officiants. Most of those make no determination regarding whether an ordination is valid. Any organization can declare itself a church within the meaning of the law and set its own guidelines for ordination. This has resulted in a proliferation of clergy who received their ordination online, and the subsequent belief that all of those so ordained would make good wedding officiants. (In the interest of full disclosure, my ordination was received online nineteen years ago).

Does having an online ordination, or for that matter a traditional ordination from an established church, qualify you to be a wedding officiant? Legally, yes, in the same way that the fact that I own a camera technically qualifies me to be a wedding photographer, or that the harmonica in my sock drawer qualifies me to be a musician. I know how to take pictures, and I'm not half bad at it, but photographing a wedding requires experience and skill that being in possession of a decent camera doesn't bestow. Officiating at a wedding also requires experience and skill that simply having been ordained doesn't bestow.

Most people start out with, at best, a vague idea of what they want their wedding ceremony to be like. A lot of thought, a lot of detail, a lot of planning has gone into the reception, the wedding dress and tuxes, the food, the music, the rings, the wedding party, the limo...but seldom the ceremony itself. If I had a dollar for every time a couple told me that they want a "short & simple" ceremony...well, I'd have an extra $950! But "short and; simple" covers a lot of ground. A professional officiant can translate your vague idea into specifics and craft a beautiful & meaningful ceremony. If cousin Frank, who has an online ordination but no experience, is going to be your officiant, what is your ceremony going to look like?

One benefit of having an experienced officiant is that in those years of experience, he or she has seen what works well and what doesn't. Look at the idea of "short"; what does that mean? Participate in over 950 weddings and you get a good feel for the right time frame. Go too long and the guests start losing interest and getting fidgety; on the other hand, too short of a ceremony can leave guests feeling "cheated", although they're probably too polite to say anything!

A recurring theme in 18 years of officiating weddings is the desperate phone call two weeks before the wedding day, frantic that the friend or relative who was going to officiate has bowed out. We get a few of those every year. Your college buddy, or your cousin may not have thought it through before agreeing to officiate. What seemed like a lark, a cool thing to do, has now become a stress-inducing commitment.

I've seen two Facebook posts in the past week looking for recommendations for an officiant. Although in both cases people for whom we have officiated their weddings recommended us, the comments were full of "I'm ordained" or "my brother can do it" by people with no experience. If the ceremony itself isn't important to you, or if your wedding will be a quick exchange of vows with just a handful of family & friends, then it probably doesn't matter. But if you've invited guests and booked a venue, you probably want to avoid three-minutes of quick "I-Do's".

A somewhat taboo topic is money. There are situations where the bride and groom really don't have any money to spend on a wedding, and having a friend who will officiate, or simply make it legal, for free, is the only option. But the reality is that many people have spent thousands of dollars on the various aspects of the wedding day, yet balk at spending a couple of hundred dollars on a professional officiant. What? $250 for 15 minutes work? But is it just 15 minutes work? What work and preparation go into putting together a wedding ceremony and what value does having a professional officiant add?

The value of experience cannot be overstated. The more than 950 weddings that Beyond Illusion Wedding Officiants has done, or even 25 weddings, give an officiant a perspective on what kinds of things work well and what detracts from the ceremony. An experienced officiant knows how to conduct a service that flows well and balances the possibly different religious perspectives that are present in some families. The professional officiant knows how to write a ceremony that fits in with your vision of your wedding day. The rehearsal is also an important part of the service that a professional officiant offers. Someone has to be ready to take charge, make sure everyone knows their places, and even offer instruction on seemingly simple things like how a groomsmen and bridesmaid should walk arm-in-arm. On the day of the ceremony a professional will touch base with your photographer, your deejay and the venue coordinator to make sure everyone is on the same page, including a sound check for the microphones. He'll get all the parents and wedding party together and lined up so that we can start on time.  Your professional officiant will verify that the best man has the rings and that the sand for the Unity Sand is where it needs to be. And then once the ceremony starts, present a ceremony that balances dignity and good humor, keeping the bride and groom central while acknowledging the family and friends in attendance.

The bottom line in all of this is that your wedding ceremony should be what you want it to be. If what's important to you is to have a friend or family member officiate, then that's what you should do. If you just need to make it legal and don't really want a ceremony other than an exchange of vows, then you don't really need a professional. But if you want a meaningful ceremony, even if it is short, take the time to at least interview a professional officiant, it will be worth the time.

Avoiding Wedding Chaos: Operational Feasability

Back when I was a manager in a local grocery chain, I was in charge of an Event (note the capital "E"!). It was a promotion that we called "New York Block Party". We turned the front of the store into our version of a New York City street, complete with a stoop in front of an apartment building (built from 12 packs of Coke products) and New York style foods for sale. It was a lot of work and had a lot of moving parts. The planning was complete and we were well into the execution when a fellow manager had the idea to "turn the forklifts into taxis". Since I had no idea how something like that could be accomplished I asked him to describe the process. He also had no inkling how it would be done. He had the Big Idea (there's those aspirational capital letters again!) but he had not considered the "operational feasibility", i.e. the plan for getting it done. A Big Idea is only the start. (Don't get me started on the Meat Department managers who wanted to turn the refrigerated bunkers into a pirate ship and a whale). 

What Big Ideas do you have for your wedding?

Maybe you don't think that what you're doing for your wedding is "big" at all, just "traditional", but everything that you do takes planning and execution. Starting with your timeline.

Before you even get to the ceremony itself you're probably going to be doing a lot on wedding day. The two biggest items on the agenda are hair and makeup, and family photos. If you have hired experienced professionals for these responsibilities, trust their judgement on how long things are going to take. If you've asked your BFF who works in a salon to do the hair and makeup, you'll look absolutely amazing, but there's a good chance the process will take longer than you thought, which will put the next item on the schedule, and everything following it, behind. Photography is another big deal. Recently my stepdaughter got married, The photographer was a well-regarded local professional who knew exactly who was going to be in which photos with whom and kept things moving along smartly. She knew the best way to line people up and how to frame the shots. She also knew how long it should all take. On the other hand, at one of my weddings, things were so far behind that the photographer was still setting up shots with the bride while all the guests were in their seats and the wedding party and parents were lined up and ready to go. Somewhere along the way the timeline was disrupted and the result was that we were running late. 

A side note on photographers. Trying to save a few dollars and hiring an inexpensive photographer is not a good strategy. A veteran photographer knows what pictures to take and will discuss with you exactly what will be provided. They will be aware of opportunities for candid shots as well. During the ceremony a photographer should be virtually invisible. In a recent ceremony the photographer, a rookie, spent most of the ceremony itself standing in the center aisle, which blocked the view of some of the guests - mainly because he lacked a telephoto lens. He shared that space with the videographer - these two burly men were the most visible things in the room! 

Some couples have a personal assistant to the bride whose job is to take pressure off the bride and groom and coordinate with the wedding party and vendors. But unless that personal assistant is a professional, details will get missed. A professional wedding coordinator/planner knows what needs to be done, knows what you want, and makes sure it happens, the way you want it to happen and on time. They will also tell you if what you envision just isn't feasible. There's a lot of details before, during and after the ceremony itself. You have to ask yourself, once the big picture is in place - how am I going to accomplish all of it?

As an officiant I am mainly concerned with the ceremony itself. The majority of weddings that I do are fairly simple. The parents (and sometimes grandparents) are escorted to their seats, then the wedding party walks down the aisle in pairs and takes their places. Then the ring bearer and flower girl make their cute little way down the aisle. Finally the bride is escorted to her place. I say a few words, the couple exchanges vows and rings. Sometimes there is a simple "unity" ceremony, a few more words and then introduce them as a newly married couple. Everybody walks out. Tada! We're done. Let's assume that hair and makeup, family photos and all the other details have proceeded on time. What "simple" details still needed to have been taken care of? Where is the marriage license? (Recently I found it in a box of trash in a closet; occasionally it's back home or at the hotel) Who has the rings? (Once, the best man had the plastic rings that came with the ring bearer's pillow; a groom on another occasion dropped them in the grass and we spent 10 minutes looking for them). Do we have the sand, candles, roses, letter box or whatever is being used for the Unity Ceremony? Do the bride and groom, if they have written their own vows, have the vows? (I have had couples make a 2 hour round trip to go home and get their vows that they forgot) Where are the bridesmaid's flowers and bride's bouquet? Boutonnières? Flower girl baskets? Cute props for the ring bearers? The wagon for the little kid who is an "honorary" flower girl? Somebody has to be responsible for making sure all of this is taken care of. Not only taken care of, but taken care of in a timely fashion. A professional coordinator/planner will be on top of all this.

As an officiant, I'm going to be responsible for the wedding party knowing what order they're walking in and with whom, where they're standing during the service; cues such as when to present the rings or if there's a reader; I give advice on how to stand to allow the photographer to get the best photos and how to exit for the recessional. I make sure I'm on the same page with the photographer and deejay. If it's not too complicated and everyone is sober, it's pretty straightforward. But I'm assuming that somebody has taken care of all the details mentioned in the last paragraph, and taken care of well before it's time to start walking down the aisle!

Now imagine that you've thrown a few non-standard wrinkles into things: the processional involves alternating family and wedding party, some of whom sit and some of whom stand; the order that the wedding party walks up deviates from the order in which they're standing up front; you have an extra-large wedding party - 11 groomsmen and 11 bridesmaids and want to decide on the walking order by drawing names out of a hat; you want the processional cued precisely to specific parts of the music; you've decided on some variation on an "amusing" flower dude (don't get me started); the bride is arriving by helicopter...(all of these things have happened). You have now escalated from "short and simple" (everyone says that by the way) to Big Idea. Somebody needs to either be coordinating all of that, or at last communicating to me how it should go. (When the bride arrived by helicopter, believe it or not, the helicopter was the least disorganized part of that wedding)

So, whether your wedding is just you and your witnesses in your living room, or an extravaganza to rival a British Royal Wedding (you'd better believe somebody was on top of those millions of details) it's not enough to come up with a cool idea, you have to also consider the operational feasibility of your idea, i.e. how is this going to work?

Are You Nervous?

"Are you nervous?" - This is a question that I hear people ask brides and grooms on wedding days fairly frequently.  Why? Is it really that common for people to question whether they actually should be getting married? In my experience brides and grooms are pretty confident that they are making the right decision, at least by the time wedding day rolls around. (This isn't to say that people are always making the right decision!) And it's evident that many people are nervous on their wedding day, so what's the reason? Let's look at it:

Even the simplest weddings are performances. The bride and the groom, the best man, maid of honor, groomsmen & bridesmaids, the parents, even the flower girl and ring bearer are playing parts. The guests too, are on stage. People are often dressing up at weddings, wearing what for all intents and purposes are costumes. The wedding party parades down the aisle; the bride & the groom have speaking parts and the little kids are expected to follow instructions, even though oftentimes their parents haven't done anything to prepare them for being "on stage". For ordinary people, being the center of attention isn't part of day-to-day life.

In addition to the ceremony, there's even more details involved in the reception. There's flowers, music, food and dancing. Did the flowers arrive on time? How about the cake? Is the food hot? Is the deejay keeping things moving? How about the photographer? In a lot of weddings the reception is highly choreographed. All of this is nudging the bride and groom in the back of their brains while they are getting ready for the ceremony.

So what can you do to be less nervous on your wedding day?

• Plan: don't leave things to the last minute - that's a sure way to be nervous!
• Prioritize: make a list of your chief concerns, decide what is most important
• Be honest about what terrifies you - if you just can't get through your vows without sobbing uncontrollably, tell your officiant that you just want to say "I do"
• There is not one thing that you have to do in your wedding ceremony or reception, cut out the things that you don't want
• Budget: set your budget and stick with it
• Delegate: ideally, hire a wedding planner who will take responsibility for all the little details, otherwise a friend or family member that who you can trust implicitly to handle it all for you
• Surround Yourself With Positive People: keep your circle of confidants clear of complainers and "Chicken Littles" - no matter what, the sky isn't falling
• Watch out for the friends and/or family who are full of suggestions, it's your wedding!
• Schedule: set up a reasonable timeline for all the things that you have planned in steps 1 and 2
• Rehearse: definitely rehearse the ceremony itself, but a walk-through with the deejay and the photographer would go far in calming the jitters - make a list of questions to ask your officiant and other vendors so that there's no surprises
• Communicate: If something is a non-negotiable item, make sure that the people responsible know how important it is to you
• Relax: everything doesn't always go 100% according to plan!
• Laugh: sometimes the little things that go wrong make for hilarious stories!

The bottom line is that at the end of the day you'll be married - which was the goal - you achieved your goal! You get to have a party with your family & friends and you're not the one who has to clean up!

Rehearsals - Redux

There was a time when I didn't emphasize rehearsals. Mainly because I looked at my job as walking to the front, turning around, and reading. I've come to believe that it's much more than that. A rehearsal gives me the opportunity to reassure the couple that every detail of their nuptials will proceed according to plan, whether that plan is simple or elaborate.

While I prefer to conduct a rehearsal at the same site as the actual wedding, even a run-through off-site has value. It gives the wedding party the chance to find out who they are walking with, where they will be standing, assignments (Who has the rings? Who takes the bouquet? When do you give it back?) and get an idea of how the ceremony will proceed.

Having the rehearsal at the same location as the wedding ceremony gives everyone the additional benefit of seeing exactly where they will be standing, how far they will have to walk during the processional, and little details like where does the best man step to hand the couple their rings? (Answer: behind the bride and groom - in front of the officiant - and take the rings out of the box!). I usually get everyone lined up at the "altar" first, practice the recessional, then turn right around and do the processional followed by a walk-through of the service.

As part of the rehearsal I also spend time instructing the bridesmaids and groomsmen on minutia such as how to line up (in an angled or slightly curved line so that everyone can see the bride & groom; standing at an approximately 45 degree angle); how to walk (woman with her hand in the crook of the man's arm, not linked at the elbows - this makes it easier to walk, especially if there is a big height difference); and how far the couple ahead of them should get before starting to walk; also where the bride & groom should stand during the unity ceremony (behind the table, or at least on the side, so their guests can see what they're doing).

The rehearsal is also a good time to talk about staying relaxed and not getting stressed out about small details. The behavior of ring bearers and flowers girls is often cause for concern. "Kids will be kids" I usually say; whatever they do, your guests will think it's cute. It's usually a good idea to have a plan for where the youngsters will go after they have delivered the pillow with fake rings (DON'T ever give the real rings to a three year-old!) and the flowers.

If the bride and groom will be saying their vows (rather than just responding "I do") I like to make sure that I talk about how the microphone will be handled. I prefer to have a mic on a stand or a boom where I can simply tilt it toward them when it's their turn to talk, so that they don't have to lean in to speak. The deejay can usually adjust the gain to allow the mic to pick up their normal speaking voices.

Once we've run through the ceremony itself, I ask the bride and groom if they would like to do a second run-through. More often than not they are comfortable with once. An exception to this might be if there is an unusual or complicated processional arrangement. Finally I ask the wedding party if they have any questions. There have been times where attendants have asked very good questions, causing me change my thinking on something we were doing, but it's important to stay focused on what we're there to do and not get distracted by aspects of the wedding day, like limo rides and the reception. Before I leave I make arrangements with the two witnesses to meet with me get the license signed.

And that's it. A well-run rehearsal with a cooperative group will take a half hour or less. See you all tomorrow for the wedding!

The Deejay: Not Just For The Reception

When people talk about deejays at their wedding, they're usually thinking about the reception. A deejay can make or break the the atmosphere at a reception, the good ones know the right mix of music to get everybody up and dancing, yet keep the music at a background level during dinner. But what about the ceremony itself? Your guests have joined you for this pivotal moment in your life - they may be thinking ahead to the wedding cake and the open bar, but you want them to hear what's going on! Most deejays, in addition to providing music and master-of-ceremonies services during the reception, will also take care of processional and recessional music and will set you up with microphones so that your family and friends can hear the officiant, as well as the bride and groom when it's time for vows.

In our early days as wedding officiants we would often have a deejay hand us a wireless microphone just before the ceremony. A handheld mic is very helpful if the officiant has memorized your ceremony, but we seldom do, since each wedding is unique, and we try to avoid going off on tangents, which is a strong possibility when operating without a script. So for us, a handheld is a little awkward. We've also used clip-on or headset microphones, which are ideal if the vows are going to be in the "I Do" format, but not so ideal if the couple will be reciting their vows. The clip-on or headset may not be able to pick up the vows. We have taken to recommending a mic stand with the the stand equidistant between the officiant, the bride and the groom. We then do a pre-ceremony sound check to verify that the mic placement will be able to pick up all three. Sometimes this requires some on-the-fly volume or gain adjustment by the deejay, but if done right, no one has to touch the microphone, or change position in order to be heard. This has worked well every time we've done it.

One item on our pre-ceremony checklist is to check in with the deejay, not only to arrange for a sound check, but also to make sure that we are all on the same page when it comes to music. Making sure that everyone can be heard, even in the back row, is an important part of your wedding ceremony.

Religious Affiliation

From time to time we are asked whether or not we are "real" ministers, or what church we belong to, or even specifics about our religious beliefs. We always decline to answer questions like that, not for any nefarious reason, but because we strive to maintain an openness to couples of all faiths (or no religion at all).

The State of Nebraska has designated several categories of people who may legally officiate at a wedding in the state. One of these categories is "ordained minister". The state does not presume to decide what determines a valid ordination and leaves that up to the individual religions, denominations, seminaries etc to set their own standards.

Couples who are active in their respective faith usually have their own minister, priest, imam or rabbi solemnize their marriage ceremony. For those who desire a wedding minister who shares their religious beliefs, or are looking for someone to spiritually "bless" their union, there is usually someone close at hand who is in that category. We at Beyond Illusion Wedding Officiants do not attempt to meet that description!

One of our goals is to work with you to create a wedding ceremony that reflects your beliefs and what is important to you. We feel that our own views of spirituality are irrelevant; what is relevant is what you want. And because we make your wishes the priority, our policy has always been to keep our own religious opinions out of the process and put the spotlight on the bride and groom. We do not discuss our personal religious opinions or affiliation in order to maintain an openness to couples of all backgrounds.

We always encourage a couple to schedule a face-to-face meeting before committing to our services.

Thanks for Choosing Us!

As we move into a new year, our seventeenth as wedding officiants, we at Beyond Illusion Wedding Officiants would like to express our gratitude for all the couples who chose us as their officiants. A special thanks to those who recommended us to their friends and relations, as well as the vendors who tell their customers about us; and, of course, those of you who took the time to write reviews.

We started in 2007 by performing eight ceremonies, advertising in the yellow pages with no online presence at all. We kept track of our brides and grooms on a paper calendar stuck to a clipboard and returned your calls via a landline. Eventually we realized that it was the 21st century and there was this thing called the internet. Today, other than word-of-mouth referrals, most people find out about us through our website beyondillusionweddings.com, as well as our Facebook page. We've also added a Twitter feed and of course, this blog. 

Beyond Illusion Wedding Officiants has also changed our pricing structure to better serve the diverse needs of the community of soon-to-be brides and grooms. Our standard wedding, which has always been semi-customized, now tagged as The Silver Package, continues to be couples' most popular choice. We've added a Gold package, which will be 100% customized, designed from scratch, as well as more affordable options for people who want to elope, or just need someone to "make it legal" by signing the marriage license. For those who would like to be united in marriage by a close friend or relative, but that person lacks experience, we will help you write the ceremony that your chosen officiant can use.

No matter who you are, where you're getting married, no matter how simple or elaborate, it's your day, and we, as always, will help make special for you!

We look forward to another great year working with many more happy couples!

Happy Holidays!

Revs. Tom & Susie Joyce

Six Hundred Plus Weddings!

On July 5th of this year, Beyond Illusion Wedding Officiants celebrated our 600th wedding. We started on this matrimonial journey on March 31st 2007 with Mandi and Brandon's wedding and have averaged almost 50 a year since.

Before we started performing wedding ceremonies ourselves, we attended the wedding of some friends in Chicago, where the officiant was another friend of ours. During the ceremony Susie elbowed Tom in the ribs, whispering "You'd be good at this!" It took several years for Tom to heed this advice, but an ad went into the Lincoln phone book's Yellow Pages in 2007 and we were off and running. Eventually we upgraded to a website, Facebook page, Twitter feed and now the blog.

That first year was quite an adventure. We were learning as we went, accepting advice from other officiants, scouring the internet for tips and developing our own style. That first year Tom officiated at eight weddings. In 2008 Susie began doing her own, starting out with two on 8/8/08! The number of weddings increased quickly - one year we even did 75! There were times when we were officiating three times in a day! Last year we set two records: 5 weddings in one day (2 for Susie and 3 for Tom) and 16 weddings in one month (October 2018)

Unlike many officiants, we do not use the same liturgy for everyone, but provide a method that we call "semi-customized". Upon meeting the soon-to-be  bride and groom, we go over a checklist with them that helps to come up with an outline for the ceremony. As we review the checklist together, the couple have the opportunity to add or take away items that we suggest. Occasionally they have everything figured out ahead of time and just hand us the completed ceremony. That is extremely rare!

Once we have the outline worked out, the couple is sent an email with the outline, as well as a selection of options for each item on the outline. We like to give them the opportunity to think through their choices without pressure. We are available for follow up visits, or subsequent communication can be by email. Once they have made their choices we put everything together in a final draft so that the bride and groom know exactly how the service will go, without concern that we'll go off on a tangent.

We also offer fully customized ceremonies, short, non-customized weddings, or we can just sign the paperwork for you. Tom has even branched out to doing Spanish ceremonies.

Tom likes to tell people that officiating at weddings is "the best part time job in the world" - we've met many wonderful people over the last thirteen years and 600 weddings, and look forward to 600 more!

What To Do If Your Wedding is Running Late?

The short answer is "Don't Run Late"!

There are a multitude of ways that the start time for your wedding can be delayed. Any one of the big and little details can take longer than you thought it would. So what do you do? You plan. One of the fundamentals of any kind of event planning is that you anticipate everything that can possibly go wrong and come up with a contingency plan — a Plan B. I have done a fair share of event planning in my life, and my assumption always is that things will not go as planned. Outdoor event? What do you do if it rains? Where's your backup location? Do you need to delegate someone to set up the backup room?

A key to knowing what could possibly go wrong is to have some experienced professionals on your wedding team.

(See my previous blog: "Assembling Your Wedding Team"

 https://beyondillusionweddings.blogspot.com/2017/08/assembling-your-wedding-team.html.

An experienced wedding planner will anticipate some of these potential problems and work to obviate them before they happen.

One of the potential weak links in the wedding day chain of events is an unrealistic estimate of how long things will take. If the bride's hairdresser tells you that it will take a certain amount of time, make sure the estimate is accurate, and then pad the time. Then make sure that you stick to the schedule. Someone is going to have to crack the whip and make sure that if an item on the schedule is supposed to take 90 minutes, that it takes no more than 90 minutes. A great wedding planner will make sure that this happens. 

Travel time is another possible cause for delay. Did you allow for heavier-than-usual traffic if there is another event that day? What about parking? Is your wedding party driving around for 20 minutes looking for a parking meter while the photographer waits (im)patiently? Of course vehicles break down, you can't predict when it will happen, but what's the plan for when it does happen? Everyone has cell phones. Do you have someone designated to drive and pick up missing people? Wedding party and family pictures also occasionally take more time than anticipated, but not usually because of the photographer. People wandering off to smoke, or chatting with each other when the photographer is trying to get you in place will slow things down. I've seen weddings where someone was designated as a "wrangler" to get everybody in place so that the pictures moved along at the planned pace. Good plan!

Finally we're down to the last hour or so before the ceremony. This is where decisions have to be made regarding start time. Usually by this time the bride, groom, wedding party, parents and officiant are all on site. The bride and groom have to decide whether or not the issue holding things up is in fact important enough to hold things up. A year ago I officiated a wedding that started close to an hour late. the reason? The bride's bouquet was missing. In my view, this is not a reason to delay. Few, if any, guests, will realize that the bouquet is missing, so starting that late is not going to endear you to your family and friends!

Until now we haven't mentioned the guests, the family and friends who have come to share this day with the bride and groom. They have made the effort to be there on time and are sitting outside in the hot sun, or inside on hard wooden pews and they are very aware that the invitations said 5:00 and it's now 5:20. Respect your guests who cared enough to show up on time. Of course, sometimes some of the guests aren't there. The reality is that many people have no interest in the ceremony and just want to attend the reception. Some people are just terrible at getting places on time, and no matter how late you start, someone will come in after you start. So, don't worry about the stragglers and start on time. (Exception — if a very important family member, like grandma or a parent isn't there, you might want to wait, but you should have also included their arrival in your planning!)

And speaking of guests, for outdoor wedding especially, no one wants to sit down any sooner than they have to. Instruct your ushers to firmly guide your guests to their seats so that everyone is seated at least 5 minutes before you line up.

More often than not though, the delay is due to no one realizing how late it is. Once again, this is where the wedding planner comes in, cracking the whip, getting everyone lined up and up the aisle. In the absence of a planner I often take on this role myself.

So, as I said at the beginning of this blog post: "Don't Run Late"!

Rehearsals

I like to do rehearsals. Why? Because there's always a chance for miscommunication. The bride forgets to tell the officiant that a bagpipe player will be performing a medley of romantic songs just before the vows, or Uncle Smedley, who used to pastor a church in Arkansas before that "incident" will be reading from scripture, which turns out to be the first six chapters of Isaiah. Usually, however, it's little stuff. This past weekend the ceremony included a Unity Sand Ceremony. We discovered during the rehearsal that I had the wrong version in my notes, so we fixed it in time for the actual ceremony.

A rehearsal is a great time for communication. In addition to the opportunity for everyone to know their parts as mentioned in the first paragraph, it's a good time to figure out who's "giving orders". When I first started officiating weddings I just showed up at the rehearsal and let someone else run the show. Unfortunately, there were times when no one was running the show! So I took it upon myself to make sure everyone was where they needed to be, as well as giving ushers their instructions and coordinating with the deejay and photographer. This has been my default for many years, however sometimes I find there's a venue coordinator who is also used to running the show, or one of the mothers. This can result in confusion if I am telling people one thing and the coordinator or parent is saying something else. The solution is to find out if there is someone like that out there (check with the bride and groom!) and coordinate with that person to make sure everyone is on the same page.

In general though, the rehearsal should be a fairly straightforward affair: get everybody lined up, show them where they are going to stand and let people who have parts to play know what there cues are. This of course includes whoever is holding the rings (usually the best man). It can also include any "extras", like family members who are going to come up and do a reading, or a musician or singer who will be performing during the ceremony. Since a wedding ceremony can be considered a performance of sorts, you don't want a lot of "dead air"; you want your singer or musician to be in position or least sitting close to the front when it's their turn.

The way I run a rehearsal is to start at the front of the room - the altar or arch, or wherever the ceremony is going to held. I then ask the bride and groom to line their attendants up in order, I then help them position themselves and ask them to note where they are standing. Then, before doing an actual run-through of the ceremony, we practice the recessional. As the bride and groom are walking out I instruct the wedding party as to when they are to follow the bride and groom. I also tell them to stay in order and with their partner because we're coming right back!

Now we can practice the processional since everyone allegedly knows where they are going. Once the processional is complete and everyone is in place we can actually walk through the ceremony, give everyone their cues and entertain questions. (Sometimes it's a challenge to keep questions on topic - decisions about table settings and limousines are best left for later). Occasionally the walk through will reveal flaws in the plan  and we make changes. Most of the time one walk through will be sufficient, but if there is any confusion, practice the processional and recessional as many times as needed.

A smoothly run rehearsal is one of the benefits of utilizing a professional officiant, especially if you do not have a wedding planner or event coordinator. An officiant with many weddings under his or her belt will anticipate potential problems and solve them before you even are aware of them.

Assembling Your Wedding Team

You can have an extremely simple wedding: you and a few family members in your living room, or at the courthouse, in which case your headaches will be few. But for most of you will have something a little more elaborate than that, in which case you'll need to assemble your wedding team.

The Venue
This is possibly the first thing that you'll have to line up. In most cities popular wedding venues are booked a year or more, even years, in advance. Find out what the venue will provide: do they offer catering, or do you need to make separate arrangements for food? Will their staff set up the room for you? Is there a deejay on staff? What's the parking situation? Will you be having the ceremony and the reception in the same location? The more popular places will anticipate your questions and help you with planning. Other locations may not be as helpful, but more affordable.

The Photographer
A professional is the way to go, preferably someone who has done a few weddings. Not only are there posed pictures, but there are many opportunities for candid shots during the processional, recessional and the reception. A good photographer will be virtually invisible. I've seen a few blocking guests' view during the ceremony; a no-no as far as I'm concerned. A good photographer won't need every member of the wedding party to stop and pose during the processional - but everyone should smile - that's hard to edit in afterwards! Sit down with your photographer and discuss exactly what pictures you want taken. Experienced professionals will have suggestions for you, but let them know if there is anything out of the ordinary that you want.

Food
There are some great caterers and bakers in town. If your venue doesn't provide food, shop around, ask for suggested menus. Surprisingly, several of the grocery stores in town have excellent bakeries and cake decorators who do an excellent job with wedding cakes.

Deejays
Many deejays double as the master-of-ceremonies during the reception. Work with your deejay on a schedule for your reception, pick out the songs together (although a good deejay will know what kind of songs work best for different parts of the ceremony) and make sure she has a list of all the relevant names. Some deejays will provide a microphone for your officiant and any musical accompaniment. Check with your musicians and your minister for their needs. For example, since I don't memorize my weddings (each one is different) and read from a script, it is awkward for me to juggle a hand-held microphone and ask for one on a stand, or at least a clip-on.

Wedding Planner/Coordinator
You're probably going to be somewhat nervous and under some stress on the day of the wedding. Hiring a wedding coordinator will take the pressure off. A wedding planner or coordinator not only does a lot of the leg work in lining up your vendors, but also helps "direct traffic", i.e. get everybody lined up and in place on time for the ceremony. A coordinator will also handle any last minute problems like missing flowers, late arrivals or issues with the sound system so that you can relax and enjoy your big day.

There are numerous other details and many other team members that will contribute to making the day go smooth: florists, bridal and tux shops, printers (for invitations) and of course, don't forget, an experienced officiant!

Wedding Paperwork

Who hasn't seen this scenario in some movie? Couple has to get married; there happens to be a minister handy, he says a few words, they say "I do" and voila! they're married. My favorite was a Jim Belushi sitcom where Jim found out that the minister who had just performed his sister-in-law's wedding ceremony was "defrocked", so the marriage wasn't legal. So Jim gets online, gets ordained, and tricks the couple into saying "I do" as he sings a song with the band. What's missing in these scenes? A marriage license.

In Nebraska, and as far as I know everywhere else in the United States, a couple who wants to get married must first procure a marriage license issued by some arm of the government, usually the county clerk. Any ceremony carried out without a marriage license, signed by the officiant and two witnesses, even it's done by an otherwise legitimate officiant, is not a legal marriage. Your rabbi, minister, imam, even the Pope or the Dalai Lama can say all the words, and give all the appropriate blessings, but the state will not recognize that a marriage has taken place if there is no marriage license.

In Nebraska, you can go to any county courthouse in the state to get your marriage license - you are not limited to the courthouse in the county where you are getting married. (Several times this year we have received calls from people who thought that officiants issued marriage licenses - we do not!). You have one year to use your license (this varies from state to state, but in Nebraska it's one year). On the day of your wedding you will have two witnesses sign the license in addition to the officiant, who will deliver it to the county clerk who issued it. The county then sends it to the Nebraska State Vital Records Department. Now you're marriage is registered.

Getting a marriage license in Nebraska is a relatively quick and easy procedure. The link to Lancaster County follows, for your county, just search for "County Clerk marriage license" in the county where you live

http://lancaster.ne.gov/clerk/marr.htm

Why An Experienced (i.e. Professional) Officiant is Important - Part II

One of the best reasons to hire your wedding officiant is so that your family and friends can be guests at your wedding and enjoy seeing you tie the knot, rather than "working". 

While it is very exciting and a huge honor to be asked to officiate a wedding for family or for friends, not everyone feels comfortable speaking in front of others.  One situation that we have seen come up several times are friends who cancel because they have too many things on their plate for that time and date. We get many inquiries from couples scrambling to find someone because Uncle Joe cancels at the last minute or close to it. Professionals will be there for your wedding ceremony; that's what they do!

Most wedding officiants do not require pre-marital counseling. It can be a great way to look at different aspects of your interaction and communication to get pre-marital counseling and we have some great referrals for this avenue, but we believe that you deserve to make a choice about that. We start with the assumption that you have thought this through and know what you're getting into!

If someone with no experience agrees to do your ceremony you may be writing it yourself. Make that: you'll most likely be writing it yourself. When you hire a professional you can give them your ideas or things you have seen or just let them walk you through the different parts of a ceremony that can be included. 

If you have your heart set on an important person in your life officiating at your wedding, and that person has no experience, consider consulting with a professional to write the ceremony while having your chosen officiant read it at the wedding, this way you get the best of both worlds. 

How Long Should Your Wedding Be?

There are definitely differences of opinion on what constitutes the ideal length of a wedding ceremony. If you've attended church weddings, chances are that it lasted close to an hour. If the wedding service is combined with the denomination's typical Sunday service, as the Catholic wedding is combined with the Mass, you're going to have a long wedding. It's been our observation, however, that the "sweet spot" for most weddings, especially outdoor weddings, is 15-20 minutes. Done right, this time frame will provide your family & friends with a meaningful ceremony, and no one will be checking their watches. On the other hand, you don't want your wedding ceremony to be too short. If you are just having a quick exchange of vows with your witnesses and close family, 5-10 minutes is probably fine, but if you've invited a lot of people, you don't want them to feel that they got all dressed up for nothing! The length of the ceremony is one of the variables that we at Beyond Illusion Wedding Officiants look at when working with you to design your wedding.

Connected to the issue of length of time is the "flow" of the wedding. A well-crafted ceremony will have a momentum that builds to the vows and then smoothly brings you to the conclusion. We've done close to 600 weddings over the last twelve years and have a fairly good feel for what kind of things contribute to the flow and what things bring things to a screeching halt or make for awkward segues.

The bottom line for us is to work with you to provide you with a wedding ceremony that reflects what is important to you. 

At What Point Should You Start Drinking on Your Wedding Day?

A wedding, while for some, a sacred event, for others a civil contract, for still others, the fulfillment of a long-held promise, but for a lot of people, it's also a party!

So, when should you start drinking?
Multiple Choice:

1. The week before and don't stop
2. During the limo ride
3. Right before the vows
4. After the best man drops the rings

Notice that I didn't say "never". Personally I enjoy an adult beverage, but as the officiant I don't consume any alcohol (or any other intoxicants for that matter) before the ceremony since I am being paid to speak coherently. But what about the groomsmen and bridesmaids? What about the bride and groom? For a lot of people a few pre-ceremony "cocktails" with "the boys" or "the girls" seems to be the rule rather than the exception, but like a national producer of fine lagers says: "Drink Responsibly". So what does that mean?

It helps if someone else gets you to the venue and you don't have to drive, but avoiding a DUI isn't the only consideration. Unless your wedding is a small intimate affair in your backyard, your wedding can be considered a bit of theater - you invited a bunch of people to watch you get married! Like I mentioned earlier, as an officiant I make it a rule to not drink at all before the ceremony; I'm not suggesting that the bride and groom and wedding party abstain too, but consider that you're on display as well. Sure, groomsmen and bridesmaids, after the processional, are tasked with just standing there looking pretty, responsible for being well-dressed scenery. If you're swaying or looking a little green due to an excess of alcohol, you're no longer invisible, but are now a distraction from the bride and groom.

And the bride and groom, well, you two are the center of attention. Passing out will surely embarrass your soon-to-be spouse, your in-laws and parents, and make continuing the ceremony problematic.

Okay, so the reception is safe, right? Kinda-sorta.

You're still somewhat on display, even though some inebriation is expected. All those people that you invited? They're still there. Most of them gave you stuff (you know, wedding gifts) and you really should be nice to them.

A few years ago I showed up for a wedding to find the bride crying because the groom was stinkin' drunk. Not tipsy, but stumbling, slurring drunk. He interrupted the ceremony incoherently a few times and passed out at his own reception. No one was impressed.

So what's the bottom line? Know what you can handle, know your limit and try to not approach that limit. Other than that, have fun!

Why An Experienced Officiant is Important

There's an old story about the maintenance man who shows up at the plant late one afternoon because the line has ground to a halt. The plant foreman looks on while the maintenance man stares at the offending piece of equipment for a few minutes, then reaches into his toolbox for a wrench, then tightens a bolt. Problem solved! However, the plant bookkeeper is shocked when he received a bill for $500. He calls the maintenance man, outraged and demands an itemized statement. The next day, he receives the statement:

• Tightening bolt: $1.00
• Knowing what bolt to tighten: $499.00

The point of the story, of course, is that he wasn't just being paid for his time on site, but for his knowledge and expertise. Another colorful metaphor that involves wrenches: I own a wrench, a pliers and a few screwdrivers, but that doesn't mean you want me fixing your car!

In the State of Nebraska, the only legal requirement for an officiant is to be a judge or an ordained minister, and Nebraska doesn't make any judgments regarding how you were ordained or who did it. But just because someone is legally able to perform a wedding (has a wrench) doesn't mean that he will do a good job at officiating.

Of course, it's just as legal if Uncle Bob has you say "I do", or if a buddy just signs the marriage license with no ceremony at all, and what's important is that you're married at the end of the day - but if you've invited a couple of hundred people and are having attendants and flower girls and all sorts of pomp, you want your guests to be be glad they didn't just skip the ceremony and head straight for the cash bar. You want someone who will provide you with a ceremony to match the circumstance.

That's us.

We know what works.

We know what doesn't work.

Because we've done almost 600 weddings!

Sure, it's your day, but you have invited a bunch of people to watch - give 'em a show! We take our experience and provide you with a ceremony that is perfect for you.

We know what bolts to tighten!

About Beyond Illusion Wedding Officiants

Hi there! We're Rev. Thomas Oakspear Joyce & Rev. Susie Joyce, but you can call us Tom & Susie! We've been officiating weddings since March 2007, and like we always say: "It's the best part time job in the world".

During our first year we had eight weddings but quickly got pretty busy and have done as many as 75 a year. So, when you choose Tom or Susie as your officiant, you get experience (close to 600 weddings) as well as someone who cares deeply about providing couples with a wedding ceremony that reflects what is important to them.

When you meet with us we walk you through a menu of possibilities, always remembering that you are the boss! We make suggestions, but always defer to what you want.

We've served as officiants in Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas and Texas, but concentrate our services in the southeast Nebraska area.

Check in on this blog for articles about weddings, vendors and maybe some amusing anecdotes!

Check out our website and learn some more about what we do, our rates and how to contact us.

http://www.beyondillusionweddings.com/

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