Rehearsals

I like to do rehearsals. Why? Because there's always a chance for miscommunication. The bride forgets to tell the officiant that a bagpipe player will be performing a medley of romantic songs just before the vows, or Uncle Smedley, who used to pastor a church in Arkansas before that "incident" will be reading from scripture, which turns out to be the first six chapters of Isaiah. Usually, however, it's little stuff. This past weekend the ceremony included a Unity Sand Ceremony. We discovered during the rehearsal that I had the wrong version in my notes, so we fixed it in time for the actual ceremony.

A rehearsal is a great time for communication. In addition to the opportunity for everyone to know their parts as mentioned in the first paragraph, it's a good time to figure out who's "giving orders". When I first started officiating weddings I just showed up at the rehearsal and let someone else run the show. Unfortunately, there were times when no one was running the show! So I took it upon myself to make sure everyone was where they needed to be, as well as giving ushers their instructions and coordinating with the deejay and photographer. This has been my default for many years, however sometimes I find there's a venue coordinator who is also used to running the show, or one of the mothers. This can result in confusion if I am telling people one thing and the coordinator or parent is saying something else. The solution is to find out if there is someone like that out there (check with the bride and groom!) and coordinate with that person to make sure everyone is on the same page.

In general though, the rehearsal should be a fairly straightforward affair: get everybody lined up, show them where they are going to stand and let people who have parts to play know what there cues are. This of course includes whoever is holding the rings (usually the best man). It can also include any "extras", like family members who are going to come up and do a reading, or a musician or singer who will be performing during the ceremony. Since a wedding ceremony can be considered a performance of sorts, you don't want a lot of "dead air"; you want your singer or musician to be in position or least sitting close to the front when it's their turn.

The way I run a rehearsal is to start at the front of the room - the altar or arch, or wherever the ceremony is going to held. I then ask the bride and groom to line their attendants up in order, I then help them position themselves and ask them to note where they are standing. Then, before doing an actual run-through of the ceremony, we practice the recessional. As the bride and groom are walking out I instruct the wedding party as to when they are to follow the bride and groom. I also tell them to stay in order and with their partner because we're coming right back!

Now we can practice the processional since everyone allegedly knows where they are going. Once the processional is complete and everyone is in place we can actually walk through the ceremony, give everyone their cues and entertain questions. (Sometimes it's a challenge to keep questions on topic - decisions about table settings and limousines are best left for later). Occasionally the walk through will reveal flaws in the plan  and we make changes. Most of the time one walk through will be sufficient, but if there is any confusion, practice the processional and recessional as many times as needed.

A smoothly run rehearsal is one of the benefits of utilizing a professional officiant, especially if you do not have a wedding planner or event coordinator. An officiant with many weddings under his or her belt will anticipate potential problems and solve them before you even are aware of them.

Assembling Your Wedding Team

You can have an extremely simple wedding: you and a few family members in your living room, or at the courthouse, in which case your headaches will be few. But for most of you will have something a little more elaborate than that, in which case you'll need to assemble your wedding team.

The Venue
This is possibly the first thing that you'll have to line up. In most cities popular wedding venues are booked a year or more, even years, in advance. Find out what the venue will provide: do they offer catering, or do you need to make separate arrangements for food? Will their staff set up the room for you? Is there a deejay on staff? What's the parking situation? Will you be having the ceremony and the reception in the same location? The more popular places will anticipate your questions and help you with planning. Other locations may not be as helpful, but more affordable.

The Photographer
A professional is the way to go, preferably someone who has done a few weddings. Not only are there posed pictures, but there are many opportunities for candid shots during the processional, recessional and the reception. A good photographer will be virtually invisible. I've seen a few blocking guests' view during the ceremony; a no-no as far as I'm concerned. A good photographer won't need every member of the wedding party to stop and pose during the processional - but everyone should smile - that's hard to edit in afterwards! Sit down with your photographer and discuss exactly what pictures you want taken. Experienced professionals will have suggestions for you, but let them know if there is anything out of the ordinary that you want.

Food
There are some great caterers and bakers in town. If your venue doesn't provide food, shop around, ask for suggested menus. Surprisingly, several of the grocery stores in town have excellent bakeries and cake decorators who do an excellent job with wedding cakes.

Deejays
Many deejays double as the master-of-ceremonies during the reception. Work with your deejay on a schedule for your reception, pick out the songs together (although a good deejay will know what kind of songs work best for different parts of the ceremony) and make sure she has a list of all the relevant names. Some deejays will provide a microphone for your officiant and any musical accompaniment. Check with your musicians and your minister for their needs. For example, since I don't memorize my weddings (each one is different) and read from a script, it is awkward for me to juggle a hand-held microphone and ask for one on a stand, or at least a clip-on.

Wedding Planner/Coordinator
You're probably going to be somewhat nervous and under some stress on the day of the wedding. Hiring a wedding coordinator will take the pressure off. A wedding planner or coordinator not only does a lot of the leg work in lining up your vendors, but also helps "direct traffic", i.e. get everybody lined up and in place on time for the ceremony. A coordinator will also handle any last minute problems like missing flowers, late arrivals or issues with the sound system so that you can relax and enjoy your big day.

There are numerous other details and many other team members that will contribute to making the day go smooth: florists, bridal and tux shops, printers (for invitations) and of course, don't forget, an experienced officiant!

Wedding Paperwork

Who hasn't seen this scenario in some movie? Couple has to get married; there happens to be a minister handy, he says a few words, they say "I do" and voila! they're married. My favorite was a Jim Belushi sitcom where Jim found out that the minister who had just performed his sister-in-law's wedding ceremony was "defrocked", so the marriage wasn't legal. So Jim gets online, gets ordained, and tricks the couple into saying "I do" as he sings a song with the band. What's missing in these scenes? A marriage license.

In Nebraska, and as far as I know everywhere else in the United States, a couple who wants to get married must first procure a marriage license issued by some arm of the government, usually the county clerk. Any ceremony carried out without a marriage license, signed by the officiant and two witnesses, even it's done by an otherwise legitimate officiant, is not a legal marriage. Your rabbi, minister, imam, even the Pope or the Dalai Lama can say all the words, and give all the appropriate blessings, but the state will not recognize that a marriage has taken place if there is no marriage license.

In Nebraska, you can go to any county courthouse in the state to get your marriage license - you are not limited to the courthouse in the county where you are getting married. (Several times this year we have received calls from people who thought that officiants issued marriage licenses - we do not!). You have one year to use your license (this varies from state to state, but in Nebraska it's one year). On the day of your wedding you will have two witnesses sign the license in addition to the officiant, who will deliver it to the county clerk who issued it. The county then sends it to the Nebraska State Vital Records Department. Now you're marriage is registered.

Getting a marriage license in Nebraska is a relatively quick and easy procedure. The link to Lancaster County follows, for your county, just search for "County Clerk marriage license" in the county where you live

http://lancaster.ne.gov/clerk/marr.htm

Why An Experienced (i.e. Professional) Officiant is Important - Part II

One of the best reasons to hire your wedding officiant is so that your family and friends can be guests at your wedding and enjoy seeing you tie the knot, rather than "working". 

While it is very exciting and a huge honor to be asked to officiate a wedding for family or for friends, not everyone feels comfortable speaking in front of others.  One situation that we have seen come up several times are friends who cancel because they have too many things on their plate for that time and date. We get many inquiries from couples scrambling to find someone because Uncle Joe cancels at the last minute or close to it. Professionals will be there for your wedding ceremony; that's what they do!

Most wedding officiants do not require pre-marital counseling. It can be a great way to look at different aspects of your interaction and communication to get pre-marital counseling and we have some great referrals for this avenue, but we believe that you deserve to make a choice about that. We start with the assumption that you have thought this through and know what you're getting into!

If someone with no experience agrees to do your ceremony you may be writing it yourself. Make that: you'll most likely be writing it yourself. When you hire a professional you can give them your ideas or things you have seen or just let them walk you through the different parts of a ceremony that can be included. 

If you have your heart set on an important person in your life officiating at your wedding, and that person has no experience, consider consulting with a professional to write the ceremony while having your chosen officiant read it at the wedding, this way you get the best of both worlds. 

How Long Should Your Wedding Be?

There are definitely differences of opinion on what constitutes the ideal length of a wedding ceremony. If you've attended church weddings, chances are that it lasted close to an hour. If the wedding service is combined with the denomination's typical Sunday service, as the Catholic wedding is combined with the Mass, you're going to have a long wedding. It's been our observation, however, that the "sweet spot" for most weddings, especially outdoor weddings, is 15-20 minutes. Done right, this time frame will provide your family & friends with a meaningful ceremony, and no one will be checking their watches. On the other hand, you don't want your wedding ceremony to be too short. If you are just having a quick exchange of vows with your witnesses and close family, 5-10 minutes is probably fine, but if you've invited a lot of people, you don't want them to feel that they got all dressed up for nothing! The length of the ceremony is one of the variables that we at Beyond Illusion Wedding Officiants look at when working with you to design your wedding.

Connected to the issue of length of time is the "flow" of the wedding. A well-crafted ceremony will have a momentum that builds to the vows and then smoothly brings you to the conclusion. We've done close to 600 weddings over the last twelve years and have a fairly good feel for what kind of things contribute to the flow and what things bring things to a screeching halt or make for awkward segues.

The bottom line for us is to work with you to provide you with a wedding ceremony that reflects what is important to you. 

At What Point Should You Start Drinking on Your Wedding Day?

A wedding, while for some, a sacred event, for others a civil contract, for still others, the fulfillment of a long-held promise, but for a lot of people, it's also a party!

So, when should you start drinking?
Multiple Choice:

1. The week before and don't stop
2. During the limo ride
3. Right before the vows
4. After the best man drops the rings

Notice that I didn't say "never". Personally I enjoy an adult beverage, but as the officiant I don't consume any alcohol (or any other intoxicants for that matter) before the ceremony since I am being paid to speak coherently. But what about the groomsmen and bridesmaids? What about the bride and groom? For a lot of people a few pre-ceremony "cocktails" with "the boys" or "the girls" seems to be the rule rather than the exception, but like a national producer of fine lagers says: "Drink Responsibly". So what does that mean?

It helps if someone else gets you to the venue and you don't have to drive, but avoiding a DUI isn't the only consideration. Unless your wedding is a small intimate affair in your backyard, your wedding can be considered a bit of theater - you invited a bunch of people to watch you get married! Like I mentioned earlier, as an officiant I make it a rule to not drink at all before the ceremony; I'm not suggesting that the bride and groom and wedding party abstain too, but consider that you're on display as well. Sure, groomsmen and bridesmaids, after the processional, are tasked with just standing there looking pretty, responsible for being well-dressed scenery. If you're swaying or looking a little green due to an excess of alcohol, you're no longer invisible, but are now a distraction from the bride and groom.

And the bride and groom, well, you two are the center of attention. Passing out will surely embarrass your soon-to-be spouse, your in-laws and parents, and make continuing the ceremony problematic.

Okay, so the reception is safe, right? Kinda-sorta.

You're still somewhat on display, even though some inebriation is expected. All those people that you invited? They're still there. Most of them gave you stuff (you know, wedding gifts) and you really should be nice to them.

A few years ago I showed up for a wedding to find the bride crying because the groom was stinkin' drunk. Not tipsy, but stumbling, slurring drunk. He interrupted the ceremony incoherently a few times and passed out at his own reception. No one was impressed.

So what's the bottom line? Know what you can handle, know your limit and try to not approach that limit. Other than that, have fun!

Why An Experienced Officiant is Important

There's an old story about the maintenance man who shows up at the plant late one afternoon because the line has ground to a halt. The plant foreman looks on while the maintenance man stares at the offending piece of equipment for a few minutes, then reaches into his toolbox for a wrench, then tightens a bolt. Problem solved! However, the plant bookkeeper is shocked when he received a bill for $500. He calls the maintenance man, outraged and demands an itemized statement. The next day, he receives the statement:

• Tightening bolt: $1.00
• Knowing what bolt to tighten: $499.00

The point of the story, of course, is that he wasn't just being paid for his time on site, but for his knowledge and expertise. Another colorful metaphor that involves wrenches: I own a wrench, a pliers and a few screwdrivers, but that doesn't mean you want me fixing your car!

In the State of Nebraska, the only legal requirement for an officiant is to be a judge or an ordained minister, and Nebraska doesn't make any judgments regarding how you were ordained or who did it. But just because someone is legally able to perform a wedding (has a wrench) doesn't mean that he will do a good job at officiating.

Of course, it's just as legal if Uncle Bob has you say "I do", or if a buddy just signs the marriage license with no ceremony at all, and what's important is that you're married at the end of the day - but if you've invited a couple of hundred people and are having attendants and flower girls and all sorts of pomp, you want your guests to be be glad they didn't just skip the ceremony and head straight for the cash bar. You want someone who will provide you with a ceremony to match the circumstance.

That's us.

We know what works.

We know what doesn't work.

Because we've done almost 600 weddings!

Sure, it's your day, but you have invited a bunch of people to watch - give 'em a show! We take our experience and provide you with a ceremony that is perfect for you.

We know what bolts to tighten!